Dealing with separation anxiety at bedtime
Separation anxiety is a typical developmental phase that all babies and toddlers experience at some point.
Separation anxiety in babies can start as early as 4-5 months, is most common between 10-18 months, and usually eases up by age 3. During this time, babies and toddlers start to recognize that they are separate from their caregivers and can become distressed when they're apart from them. Your little one might seem clingy (especially in new situations), get upset when you leave the room, become shy around strangers, and resist separating at sleep times. While separation anxiety is a positive indicator of secure attachment, it can disrupt even the most established sleep routines, leaving the whole family in tears.
If you're in the thick of separation anxiety, take a deep breath.
It may not feel like it right now, but this is a temporary season, and there are many ways to support your baby (and yourself) through this time. The anxiety often lessens as the child grows more confident in their independence and begins to understand that their caregivers will return.
What does separation anxiety look like?
Separation anxiety often comes in waves and might show up as:
Clinginess or wanting to be held constantly
Less likely to play independently and/or upset when you’re not fully focused on them
Crying when you leave the room, especially at sleep times
New night wakings and difficulty settling back to sleep without parental presence
Refusing naps or taking shorter ones and waking upset
It’s completely normal to feel frustrated or exhausted when sleep feels inconsistent or even nonexistent. But the good news is, there are steps you can take to ease the anxiety and create a more peaceful bedtime.
How to support your baby during separation anxiety:
1. Stick to your routine
A predictable bedtime routine provides security. Even when your baby resists sleep, keep your usual steps in place- bath, stories, songs- so they know what to expect. Familiarity helps ease anxiety, even if the emotions still feel big in the moment.
If you feel your child needs extra support, it’s also okay to lean into that. The goal is to rebuild confidence and sometimes you need to take a step backwards to move forward. This might look like offering additional comfort at sleep times until you and your child are ready to return to the usual routine.
2. Create positive associations with their sleep space
Spend quality time in your baby’s room during the day. Play, read, and laugh together in the nursery so it feels like a safe, happy place. You can even let them play in the crib during the day. When bedtime comes, your child will associate the space with comfort and connection.
3. Be calm and confident
Your baby picks up on your emotions. If you’re anxious or hesitant when saying goodnight, they’ll notice. When you calmly and confidently tuck them in, you’re “telling” your baby that they’re safe and capable of falling asleep. You always return in the morning, and they know they can count on that.
4. Assess your sleep schedule
Sometimes separation anxiety is made worse by being overtired or under-tired. Make sure your child’s sleep schedule matches their age-appropriate needs. A well-timed nap and bedtime routine won’t stop the anxiety entirely, but it can reduce meltdowns caused by imbalanced sleep pressure. You can find my free resource on mastering sleep schedules here!
Additional support:
Introduce a Lovey: After 12 months, a small stuffed animal or blanket can provide comfort and serve as an emotional support object during sleep. This proactive step helps foster a sense of security, though it may not be an immediate fix in the moment.
Incorporate connection into the evening: Before bedtime, focus on physical closeness. A baby-wearing walk, gentle massage, co-bathing or even rough-and-tumble play with toddlers can help calm their nervous system and fill up their cup.
Practice short separations: Gradually build their confidence by practicing brief moments of separation during the bedtime routine. For example, step out of the room to grab something and return calmly.
And a note on tears…
It’s natural for babies to cry when they’re learning new sleep habits or working through separation anxiety. While it’s so hard to hear in the moment, supporting your baby through temporary upset while holding consistent boundaries is safe and healthy.
A secure attachment doesn’t mean avoiding tears or giving in to every protest.
It comes from being warm, responsive, and available, even when your child is upset. Calmly acknowledging their emotions while sticking to the plan reassures them that you’re the leader there to keep them safe and help.
Find your balance (and your sleep bliss!)
Separation anxiety is tough for both you and your baby. But remember, this phase is temporary.
With consistent routines, calm reassurance, and age-appropriate adjustments, you can help your baby feel secure and get back to sleeping independently, so you can unwind after a full day of being world’s best mama!
Ready to say goodbye to tears at bedtime and find your sleep bliss? Work with Ella!
To better sleep,
Ella